“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
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My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.