@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

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@FattMernandez

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

@503jason

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

@ACartoonCat

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

@pplwtching

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

@dshack8

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

@deephora_

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

@Contwixt

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.