Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
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Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
it must be school picture day
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.