Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

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I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.


all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks


Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close


If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?


*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.


“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.


I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.


“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.