Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
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I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
dutch so unserious
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg