A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
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Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel