doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
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The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I’m putting together a team
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.