Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
You Might Also Like
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
The only equipped I am is ill.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces