My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
You Might Also Like
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Something Saturday.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
SF is the wild wild west man
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.