If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
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Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*