Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
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Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I beg your pardon?
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying