I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
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*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Thursday Thought.