My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
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Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.