I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
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Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try