I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
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Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
i really liked this one
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.