Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box