Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
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Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach