Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
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I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one