you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
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I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
October already? What’s next? November????
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
#MeanwhileInCanada
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.