SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
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90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,