If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
You Might Also Like
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…