Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
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Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Never forget.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”