PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
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My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.