me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
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Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.