[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
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Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting