a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
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Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
What number SPF blocks people?
just got my engagement photos
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”