[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
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Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”