if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
You Might Also Like
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
my dog when i have a friend over
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Everyone’s family
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”