I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
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WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I only treason on days ending in y
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.