Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
You Might Also Like
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Note to self: always read the final line
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!