Note to self: always read the final line
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[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Only short people can save us
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Breaking news:
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face