Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
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Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.