When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
You Might Also Like
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
He’s dead
I really had high hopes for this year though
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Ghost costume 😂
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me