My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
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Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”