Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
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[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first