Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
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“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I only treason on days ending in y
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
This fish is cracking me up
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…