I only treason on days ending in y
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Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
translated into Canadian
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
(yawn)
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert