“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
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6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?