Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
You Might Also Like
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room