Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
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Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
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WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?