I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
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I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
My Guy
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.