Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
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Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.