@drewtoothpaste 2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
@ch000ch the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
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@drewtoothpaste 
@Tmoney68 I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
@thDRAGnrebOrN Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
@Bandersnaaatch On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
@SadMeterologist Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
@HRTSMRT I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
@jjhartinger [happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
@joejwest CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
@_SetTheHook_ “I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
@mommajessiec I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.