the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
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I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Cats (2019)
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
what?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.