I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.