ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
You Might Also Like
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Overindulged this afternoon.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.