@goodgrief_rats Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
@Cornjerker78 Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
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@goodgrief_rats 
@PetrickSara Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
@BillPelicanBros Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
@murrman5 *pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
@junejuly12 I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
@Marlebean I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
@isabelzawtun I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
@Gre_Gone Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
@STRIKINGxVIKING They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
@ItsAndyRyan Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy