Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
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Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad