Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

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Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder


Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.


*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*


I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.


I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.


I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website


They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..


Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy