Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
You Might Also Like
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.