i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
The French cow says MEUX…
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I feel it
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth