Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
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bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Kids: Stay in school.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT