Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
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In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Nose
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Meow
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My neck my back my allergy attack
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.