If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
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Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
This is me
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.