Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

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Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you


I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy


I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.


One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.


Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”


ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.


[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?


*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*


*runs away giggling*


My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff