Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

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Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!


When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”


Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.


I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now


– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?


– Do you want some?


In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.


Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.


Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.


The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.