Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
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Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-