@Storminika

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

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@dreamthievin

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

@kelkulus

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

@jakob_huber

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

@thereverendcink

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

@Not_From_Troy

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

@imence2

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

@Demented_Jokes

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

@Elizacal

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

@weinerdog4life

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.