The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
spicy snake
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
That’s no pocket rocket.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
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New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.