employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
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I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.